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My Family, or what’s left of it, doesn’t talk to me anymore. Not a single word. They don’t respond to my messages, they don’t answer my calls, they disowned me, or so it feels.

 

The problem is, that my babushka Anja (see Babushka ) felt ill. Due to the false diagnosis she became blood poisoning, and medics had to cut off her leg to save what’s left from this 90 years old fragile tired woman. She needs medicine, she needs care, and I would give the half of my life up to be able to help. Only…I cannot help. And I’m falling through the black hole of despair…Faster, and faster and faster…

 

Many people in East Europe make a mistake, thinking that relatives, who moved to “happy careless” Germany, England, Italy, YouNameIt countries of the West are successful people without any problems, and simply refuse to understand, that it’s a lie. How can I explain to them, that living far away from your home and people you love, far away from your bitter-sweet childhood memories is one of the hardest things to do? Especially, if you have no chance to survive, if you come back.

 

I’m not talking about “war zones”; thanks God Latvia, my home country, is a peaceful one, and I hope it stays this way. My reason for not-returning is a banal one- not in million years will I be able to find a job there. You see, I am HIV positive. It’s not a secret, that even in more progressive countries, like Germany, where I live now, being HIV positive can be a very traumatizing experience, but still you can find a job and have a more or less normal life, whereas in Latvia even young people, healthy and strong, are struggling. I won’t survive there too long. From other side, having a job here doesn’t mean, that you will survive either.

 

I mentioned in one of my posts, that last year I had a major break-down, and spent many months at home fighting dragons. There are still some left, and I’m not sure, if I ever win this battle, but I’m trying. I’m doing my best. Of course my employer doesn’t care about some mystical creatures living in my head and tearing me apart, and had reduced my weekly work hours to a minimum. I did find a side job, but it didn’t go down well with my dragons, and I had a meltdown again. So it’s back to square one -minimum hours and minimal wages. The problem is, that few years ago I had to take an expensive credit, to burry my father, and few years later for burying my mum. Shall I say, that paying back now, at this moment, is a struggle? Yes, I know, it was a bad decision to take those credits, but what should I do? What can I do NOW?

 

I went to my bank today to ask for help, for a little bit of support to get me through the dark zone, but I’m not earning enough to be of any interest to them. So after 2 minutes of playing “I’m so sorry to hear about your problems “game, I’ve got a firm “NO” and was sent back to the black hole I’m falling through. Faster, and faster, and faster…

Last week I had to sell my camera -the last bit of my dream to become a photographer. I’ve sold all my books-my source of inspiration and strength in the dark times. Last week I gave up on ever finding my way in the life …I’m falling through the black hole …

How do I explain to my family, that I cannot help anybody, not even myself? How do I explain to them, that I’m a failure?

PS.Thank you all, who asked where I’ve disappeared and sorry for being so miserable at the moment.I hope,that  I will bounce back soon enough,as  I still have stories to tell,some funny ones amongst them.But for now…I’m falling…….

 

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